A Birth Control Rant

Since most of my followers on this blog are female, maybe you’ll be able to relate somewhat to my little story I’m about to tell. Please chime in as well with a reblog or a private message if something like this has happened to you before when trying to get birth control.

/rant begins

So like any good woman who has talked herself up into getting a physical exam for um.. that thing between our legs.. I finally got one (after skipping like a year or two - i know i know, I’m a terrible person) on January 16, 2017. 

Went into a new OBGYN that was closer (which I found on ZocDoc). Filled out all the paperwork, had my id/insurance card waiting, etc etc. The whole deal when you’re dealing with a new patient. Waited maybe 10/15 minutes after I had turned into my paperwork to get finally called back and placed into a room. Blood pressure was fine, weight was fine, pulse was fine, etc. I’m just a perfect little blob of a healthy person.

I tell them I’m allergic to penicillin. They ask me what the reaction is. I say “death” because that’s all I’ve ever really been told is what will happen to me if I’m given penicillin. The lady looks at me weirdly a bit, and then I go on to tell her I have aspergers.  She nods, as usual, and then we talk about any physical abuse and I go all into that and finally I ask a simple question about fertility and she gets irritated. “This is your annual exam. If you have questions about fertility you’ll need to make a fertility appointment.” She kind shrugs her nose at me and then leaves. I never see this nurse/woman person again. (I see four people throughout this visit).

Another lady, followed by whom I assume was the doctor (definitely look like her picture) comes in. They talk about the physical exam, and bring up if I had any questions about fertility that definitely was a different visit, and all of this other stuff. My question about fertility was when does the whole 10 - 14 days thing start. DO you start counting the first day of your period or the last day of your period. The lady laughed at me and then of course gave me the answer. 

The exam ended. I was told I’d have test results back in a week, blah blah blah. I got dressed, paid the nice reception lady, and went about my day. A few days later I get a call from an unknown number and like any millennial I ignored it and if it was important they’d leave a voicemail. It was this OBGYN office telling me my results were clear and to have a good day.

Sweet.

Jump to February 20, 2017. It’s been 1 month and 4 days since my annual. 

I get back on ZocDoc because I’m now wanting to get birth control for my period cramps and whatnot and have a better flowing river of blood come out of me and so I find this random ass NP (Nurse Practitioners are allowed to prescribe medication in Texas under  a doctor’s supervision). I chose this location and dude for two reasons: He had an appointment at 11:15am and I got off work at 11am, and reason #2 was he was going to be $25 copay instead of the $50 copay I had at the OBGYN. So he was cheap and had the earliest time slot. 

I thought “okay let’s go get some birth control”. Get to this location (it’s inside a fucking hospital - greatttttt). Find the fucking office, walk inside (I’m the only one in this waiting room), I fill out my name on a little scribble piece of paper they had (every one I could see behind the class has on a phone headset and was talking nonstop/the phones were constantly ringing) and I took a seat closest to the window.

Finally after about 5 minutes someone realised I was in the waiting room, came over and took my scribble sheet name paper thing, and went back in to find my file. I was a new patient which pissed off the lady that took my paper to begin with. I walked to the window, id and insurance already in hand, and waited for her to print out the paperwork. She asked for the ID/insurance, handed it to her, she was upset that I already had it available, and gave me the clipboard to go fill out all my information. 

Jump 20 minutes into this. I filled out my information after 5 minutes, handed back to her, and took a seat. By this point there are 7 people besides me in this waiting room. I am the youngest by 40-50 years. The people around me look like death. I’m getting antsy. I don’t want to be here anymore. This is taking to long, what the fuck happened with my paperwork. So the door leading to the back finally opens up and I’m thinking “fuck yeah it’s my turn”. WRONG. Four out of the seven people that came in after me were called to the back.
Another 20 minutes later the three people who came after me were already in and out and a bunch of new, old people were in the waiting room. I hear my name being mentioned through the class from one of the reception ladies “Has Ms. Collier been seen yet? Has she been seen by Bob?” She turns her head out into the waiting room and I just smile and wave. She calls me to the front. “Has *insert generic name here* given your ID/Insurance card back?” I smile. “No she hasn’t.” Look of panic hits this woman’s face. “I’ll go find it for you ASAP” she says as she’s already moving away from the window. I take a seat.

After another 20 minutes, my id/insurance restored to me, I’m finally called to the back. They take my temp, blood pressure, weight, etc. Tell me I look healthy, blah blah blah. The nurse leaves and finally the man of the hour finally appears; Bob.

Now doctors have two types of handshakes; 1. The one that’s straight forward out (most common and accepted) and 2. The leaning in kind hung handshake. Mr. Bob decided he was going to pull a #2 - one that was not easily greeted and instead flinched away from. I don’t do hugs. I don’t like them. I just don’t. Most people with autism, especially aspergers, don’t like physical contact - and for me hugs is a BIG ASS NO-NO. This immediately made him uncomfortable.

So he sits down and asks me why I’m in here today. I respond I’m here for birth control. He nods, and asks when my last pap smear was. I tell him January 16th of this year. He responded saying that was very specific. I said if someone put their find up your vagina you’d remember it to. Bob turns red. 

At this point I’m ready just to leave. I’ve spent way to much time here in an uncomfortable environment. I am alone without any comfort items/people available. I am extremely uncomfortable, and when I get extremely uncomfortable I’m usually unable to keep up a very good social front. It’s like a switch almost. I shut down and whatever comes out of my mouth happens and there is no filter. NO. FILTER.

He asks me why I chose this location. I gave him my honest answer. You were cheap and had a time slot available for me after work. He nodded his head. Asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with anything. I said “Aspergers” . He chuckled. Said “I guess it’s mildly moderate”. I grinned back ready to deck this fucker in the face. He then goes on to ask about my family’s medical history and I do the best I can.  

Finally he comes and checks out my eyes, ears, and heart. Tells me I’m healthy (no shit..). He then says he wants to have my pap smear result on file and that I should call back up in a week or two to have them fill my prescription. Alright y’all - I’m fucking dumbfounded right now.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE MEAN IN A WEEK OR TWO I CAN GET A SIMPLE BIRTH CONTROL PRESCRIPTION SENT IN FOR ME?

At this point I’m at a lost of words, and this fucker, Bob, decides to just throw another curveball. “When was the last time you got a tetanus shot?”  I blink. “What?” He responds, “a tetanus shot?” I ask “When was the last time you can get that as a kid?” Bob said, “11 to 13″ and I said “that’s probably when my last one was.” He nodded and said that he’ll have a nurse come in in a minute, and then I can meet the doctor

.
I’m thinking to myself “Why the fuck do I need to meet a doctor?” The thought of the nurse apparently just went over my head. I sit in this empty room for 5 minutes debating with myself if I should just get up and leave or if I should wait it out. 

The door opens (without a knock).

A nurse comes in with a shot. “Hi Anna my name is *insert generic name* I’m here to give you a tetanus shot.” My eyes go a little wide. I responded out loud instead of inside my head like I thought, “for fucks sake”. She gets a little worried and then asks if anything was wrong. I said no as I take off my sweat shirt. She giggles and goes “this might sting” and I just grinned as she stuck me with a needle. It was about 4 seconds long and I didn’t feel a damn thing. She said “The doctor should be in in a few minutes” and leaves.

Five minutes pass.

Doctor finally comes in. Tries the handshake. At this point I’m not shaking anyone’s hands. Bobs whispers “She has Aspergers” to the doctor who then retracts his hands. He takes my chart from Bob and goes “you’re healthy for your age” and I’m just grinning. At this point he asks me if I have any questions. I should have asked why was it going to take two fucking weeks to get birth control, but I just wanted to get the fuck out and said “nope”. He tells me it was nice to meet me and leaves. 

*at some point throughout this visit both, Bob & Doctor whoever, ask me if I work out Sprouts because I’m wearing my Sprouts jacket which just pisses me off more*

Doctor leaves. I leave with Bob as he escorts me to the front reception area to pay. He goes “so just call back up in a week or two to make sure they moved your paperwork and you’re all set” and then he walks away. I have my debit card out ready to pay and escape this fucking hell hole. The lady goes “I’m not sure how much this visit will cost with your insurance”. My copay is SAID on the fucking card. I said “it’s going to be $25″ and hand her my card. She said she needed to make sure, and finally when in fact it was just $25 she took my card, and I paid. 

I’ve never run out of a place faster in my life.

Fast forward the next day. I decided I’m not waiting 2 fucking weeks for birth control. I call the doctor’s office I was at yesterday and said have they made any progress. This is when I’m told I’m suppose to call my own OBGYN and have them fax over my results. WHAT THE FUCK. What was the point in taking down my OBGYN’s information if I was going to be the one to fucking do all this goddamn work? 

So at work I call the OBGYN. I call back the doctor. All this fun stuff. I give up. I leave work and call back my OBGYN to see if they had faxed my information yet. I called at 12:13pm. My OBGYN is open Monday to Thursday 8am - 5pm with lunch between the hours of 12 and 2; Friday from 8am - 12pm. 

At this point I just leave a ranting voicemail asking them if they can just prescribe me birth control so I don’t have to deal with this fucking doctors office that would be fantastic. That’s basically what the message was, just a bit more colorful. The lady calls me back around 4pm and says “Yeah we can do that for you. What BC did you need?” I was in awe. So easy. So simple. So not worth the pain I went through the day before for birth control. So I tell the lady what I need and she said “we’ll send that right in for Kroger”.

It’s Wednesday.

I get a call from the doctor’s office. “Ms. Collier we’ve sent in your birth control prescription to the Kroger and it should be available some time today if it’s in stock”. 

Later in the day I get two calls from Kroger pharmacy. One of them was telling me that one of my birth control prescriptions needs to be ordered. The other call was telling me that my prescription was ready to be picked up. 

I walk in after work. It’s not very busy. I go up the counter, give the lady my information, and she pulls up my information. She gets confused as to why I have two birth control prescriptions and calls over the man in charge, the Pharmacist. Apparently my insurance is shitty and they had to call it and actually get my ID number otherwise it shows that I was “terminated”. 

30 minutes pass by, and finally I’m able to get the birth control. The doctor made it possible for me to get this birth control for a full year. I get home, pull it out and look at the name, “Tri-Lo-Sprintec”. I’m thinking that sounds like a shitty name for a pill, I wonder if it’s a low-dose or a high-dose birth control. I told Bob I wasn’t allowed high dose because I body couldn’t handle it. 

This fucker not only put me on a high dose birth control pill - IT HAS THE SHITTEST REVIEWS EVER AND SUCKS DONKEY DICK. 

I call back on Thursday and tell Kroger that my OBGYN (totally lying to them at this point) said go ahead and fill her prescription because it was a low dose pill (thanks Google for helping me pick it out) and that it’d be better for me. 

I get a call on Friday that my prescription is ready. I go in, see the same chick you helped me before, get the birth control and leave. Get home to see what I’ve gotten this time out of my goodie bag of birth control and see that was I had ordered “Levora” was in fact substituted for “Portia-28″. At this point I don’t fucking care. I googled and saw it was 6.3/10 star rating instead of a 1 star rating and that made me happy.

Now all we have to do it wait for my period to start, finish, and then begin this horrible horrible journey.

TLDR;
I got a tetanus shot when I wanted to get birth control.